


you know what that is? growth.

by shrack



Category: Glee
Genre: Body Worship, Christmas Fluff, M/M, Not Klaine Friendly, Not Kurt Friendly, Porn Talk (but not in a nsfw way i promise), body image issues, i wasnt expecting it either!, jesse st. james mention, just for a brief bit and then, just kind of get those out of the way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28304772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrack/pseuds/shrack
Summary: Sometimes it's pretty easy to see how things have changed for the better over the years. Blaine can't help but compare his current relationship to his past one.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 1
Kudos: 89





	you know what that is? growth.

There are ghosts from his past relationship that come up to haunt Blaine every so often. Not big ones, not _people_ , but they sneak up on him in the moments he least expects it.

Blaine feels a spike of anger when he watches Sebastian wipe his mouth on the hand towel in the bathroom, but the words get strangled in his throat when he wants to go say something. He and Kurt fought memorably over this years ago, a shouting match that went in circles for hours until they gave up and had to separate before things got worse. Not to mention Blaine doesn’t even _live_ here, so Sebastian has every right to do whatever he pleases with his own belongings. Blaine doesn’t notice he’s just been standing in the doorway, watching Sebastian, until Sebastian spots him out of the corner of his eye, hands still adjusting his hair.

“Yes?” he asks.

Blaine shakes his head and forces a smile. “Nothing.”

He watches as Sebastian mentally backtracks over the past few seconds, eyes roaming over the bathroom before they catch on the towel. 

“Just,” Blaine chokes out, picking at the side of his thumb with his index finger, “there’s toothpaste on it. We can’t dry our hands without it getting on us.”

His shoulders tense, and he waits for the counterargument with baited breath, but Sebastian just grabs the towel off the hook. “My bad. Won’t happen again.”

Blaine lets out his breath. “Is that it?”

Sebastian quirks an eyebrow as he brushes past Blaine to get to the hamper. “Did you want to fight about it?”

“What? No—” Blaine takes another breath, trying to shake the nerves loose, “Sorry.”

Sebastian comes back to drop a kiss to Blaine’s hairline, patting his cheek before he mutters, “I have to get dressed.”

They fight. Of course they do, there’s no way they’re not going to disagree on things from time to time. Sebastian still has this urge to say things solely for the reaction—it’s calmed down over the years, but it rears its head sometimes and Blaine has to remember that he doesn’t mean it, that he _wants_ the fight, because deep down that’s what Sebastian thinks he deserves.

“For someone so smart you can be so stupid sometimes,” Sebastian snaps, stopping his ministrations in the kitchen and planting his hands on the counter. Blaine’s standing in the middle of the living room, feet glued to the spot, despite how much he wants to go forward and take Sebastian’s hands in his own.

He watches as Sebastian takes a deep breath and looks up at him. Blaine almost flinches, because he expects that silent, judgemental rage that fights like this with Kurt usually brought. A fast turn on his heel and he’s out the door before Blaine can even say his name. Instead, Sebastian looks sad and apologetic, anger wiped away just as quickly as it appeared. Blaine _also_ can tell that Sebastian’s noticed that Blaine is way more affected by this than he should be, because he pushes himself up and crosses the room.

“Maybe you should go,” Blaine mutters, because that’s what he expects. Running away from an argument is what Blaine’s used to, and then you come back and lick your wounds together, without ever really acknowledging things in the first place. 

Sebastian hesitates for a moment. It’s been hard for him too—not just compensating for Blaine’s hang ups, but monogamy as a whole. He’d never _been_ in a relationship before and Blaine has to remind himself of that fact over and over again. It makes him skittish, sometimes. Sebastian wants to slam those walls back around him instead of let Blaine anywhere close. 

Nevertheless, Sebastian takes both of Blaine’s hands and coaxes him down to sit on the couch. “I am not going _anywhere_.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine croaks out, embarrassingly close to crying. He hates when anger gives way to tears.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Sebastian murmurs, “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

“I know.” And he does, because he knows Sebastian. Did he ever know Kurt past what Sebastian let him know?

He has to remind himself that their relationship is different. In nearly every single sense of the word; Sebastian is not Kurt.

Their shared Spotify playlist plays quietly as the two of them try and get their schoolwork done. Sebastian’s infinitely more focused than Blaine is, which Blaine understands—Sebastian’s got much more _real_ coursework than Blaine does, his own “Science Education for Young Learners” course doesn’t exactly have the most grueling syllabus ever. Meanwhile the stuff sprawled out on the table in front of Sebastian looks way more intense.

Hozier’s “Cherry Wine” comes on shuffle, and before Blaine can stop himself, he blurts, “Did you know this song is technically a waltz?”

Blaine immediately feels guilty for interrupting. He’s about to start apologizing, maybe dismiss himself to another room, but Sebastian doesn’t look up. “Is it?”

Blaine hums an affirmative, still scared to keep the conversation going. Despite himself, he’s reminded of the chiding argument Kurt would give him if he interrupted with some anecdote; it didn’t happen all that often, but the most memorable was during the week of Kurt’s NYADA audition. He freaked out for days about what to do. Kurt was looking over the sheet music for “The Music of the Night” for the umpteenth time, and Blaine had remarked about something Marley mentioned in Glee club earlier that he’d thought Kurt would find funny. Instead, he got a lecture about interrupting Kurt’s sight reading time. Blaine tried to keep that to a minimum from there on out.

While Blaine’s drifted, Sebastian has stopped writing—he stares into the middle distance, brows furrowed, trying to focus on the song. “Oh shit, it is.” He then gets up and grabs Blaine’s phone to make the music louder, press the previous button to make the song restart, and then holds a hand out to Blaine.

“What are you doing?” Blaine chuckles quietly, but takes the hand regardless.

“Obviously we have to test it,” Sebastian says this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “C'mon."

"Bas—"

"Unless you're too scared you can't keep up?" Sebastian teases, and because Blaine loves a challenge, he takes the outstretched hand and follows Sebastian into the middle of the room.

Blaine takes Sebastian’s hands as though he’s going to follow, and Sebastian hums. “You more comfortable with me leading?”

“It’s kind of fast,” Blaine explains, straightening his back like he remembers his teacher telling him, “I trust your lead.”

“Clearly.”

Sebastian always has a natural confidence, a swaggering, better-than-you attitude that draws people to him no matter what he’s doing. But that confidence gives way to something much more vulnerable on a dance floor (something Blaine noticed during the few performances of his he watched during high school) and although Blaine _technically_ should have his head turned to the side for the dance, he mostly watches Sebastian as they move. It’s not exactly the biggest dance floor ever, it’s a very rudimentary waltz that the two of them dance, but by the time the song wraps up and Sebastian’s slowing them to a stop, Blaine has effectively forgotten about his hang ups earlier. Sebastian dips his head down to kiss Blaine and Blaine grins into it, dropping their hands to sneak his arms around Sebastian’s waist.

“I don’t want to go back to my work,” Sebastian bemoans as he pulls back from the kiss, draping his arms over Blaine’s shoulders.

“Sorry for interrupting.”

“Don’t be,” Sebastian slides one of his hands into the back of Blaine’s hair. “I could think of a couple of better interruptions, actually.”

“Creep,” Blaine says half-heartedly, leaning up to kiss him. “Do your work.”

“I just think there’s something else I’d much rather be doing—”

Blaine laughs and shoves Sebastian away by grabbing his sides. “ _Go.”_

"Kind of a fucked up song," Sebastian continues as he goes. "Should I be worried that we just danced to a song that's definitely about domestic abuse?"

Blaine shrugs. "We'll find a different Hozier song for the future."

Sebastian grins at him as he sits. Future doesn't sound so bad.

•••

Blaine tries not to focus on his body image too much. He cares about his appearance, he’s only human after all—he spends the mornings taming his hair, picking out an appropriate outfit, so he’s ready to tackle the day head on.

This morning he has to work a little harder to get his pants to close. He sucks in a breath through his teeth and tugs them closed, wrestles the zipper up, buttons the top button, and sighs when he lets his breath out. _They’ll loosen up_ , he tells himself when he inspects himself in the mirror, shirtless and trying to ignore how they squeeze into his hips. Instinctually, he turns to the side and smooths his hands down his sides. In the back of his head, he registers that Sebastian has stopped meandering around the other side of the bedroom, but it’s not until Sebastian appears in his reflection that he sighs and drops his hands.

“To what do I owe the free show?” Sebastian chuckles, and Blaine itches to put his shirt on when Sebastian blatantly checks him out as he approaches. In fact, his fingers twitch at his sides, and he turns to face the mirror again.

“Just trying to get dressed.”

Sebastian places his hands on Blaine’s waist, right above his pants, and ducks his head to be level with Blaine’s, over his shoulder. “Doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard.”

“I—”

“Not that I’m complaining,” Sebastian continues, not-so-subtly raking his eyes down Blaine’s front in the reflection. “Makes undressing you again easier for me.”

“Bas,” Blaine laughs breathily, “I have class.”

Sebastian hums and stands up straight, looking over at the clock. In the moment, Blaine stays watching the reflection, more specifically what they look like together. Right then he almost thinks he can see himself the way Sebastian has made it _explicitly_ clear that he seems him; attractive, sexy, _wanted_. Maybe that lies in the way Sebastian’s hands are soft but firm on his waist, and the way, when he turns back, he checks Blaine out like he’s seeing him again for the first time, but it’s crazy how fast he gets dragged out of his head, simply by Sebastian making it clear. Shouting it from the rooftops, even, that Blaine is the sexiest man in the world.

“Oh, the train got delayed,” Sebastian whines, sticking his bottom lip into a pout. “What a shame.”

Blaine bites his lip. “I was thinking about changing out of these pants, anyway.”

“Every single inch of you is perfect,” Sebastian says without skipping a beat, apropos of nothing (but of course, he knows Blaine, he knows what happens when he gets like this). Sebastian presses his lips to the shell of Blaine’s ear and mumbles, “Although there are a few inches I love a little bit more.”

Blaine snorts and casts his own glance at the clock. It’s not _impossible_ that the train gets delayed. Pretty busy time of day, really. And who is he to argue when Sebastian pops open his pants with one hand, still watching him in the mirror? Blaine spins around in Sebastian’s arms and drags him into a kiss, into which Sebastian laughs and starts maneuvering him towards the bed.

•••

“This is gonna sound weird.”

Sebastian turns his head toward Blaine from where he’s been watching the ceiling, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Try me.”

Blaine walks his fingers across Sebastian’s bare chest. Now or never. Come on. “You don’t care if I watch porn, right?”

Sebastian blurts a laugh and thunks his head back on the pillow. “Why the fuck would I care?”

Blaine makes a noncommittal noise, and Sebastian laughs again. “Oh man, this was a Kurt thing, wasn’t it.”

“Do you?” Blaine asks instead of answering, because they both know the answer, “Watch porn?”

“Sure. No shame in the game.”

Blaine sits up fully to look down at Sebastian, who’s giving him an amused grin. “Like what?”

“Well, there’s these really hot videos of this guy I know winning show choir competitions—”

Blaine cuts him off by grabbing a pillow and forcing it over his face, initiating a half-hearted wrestle that ends with the pillow being tossed onto the floor and Sebastian cackling loudly.

“Whatever strikes my fancy, I guess. Doesn’t matter.” And as an afterthought, Sebastian adds, “I also do not care what you watch, unless it’s really fucked up.”

“And yours aren’t fucked up.”

“Oh yeah,” Sebastian says, leaning up close to Blaine, dropping his voice to a whisper. “They’re actually Vocal Adrenaline performances.”

“I’m leaving,” Blaine declares, shoving Sebastian back down onto the bed and starting to scoot his way towards the edge. Sebastian, however, is too god damn fast, because he grabs Blaine by the hips and hoists him back before he can protest. 

Blaine huffs, but doesn’t argue. “You don’t actually…”

“Smother me in my sleep before I masturbate to Jesse St. James. I don’t deserve to keep living after that day.” Sebastian responds without hesitation. His face is scarily serious, and it only makes Blaine laugh quietly.

•••

It’s the dregs of finals season, the winter coming down harshly and effectively trapping them in Sebastian’s apartment for the weekend. Sebastian is a downer when it comes to the season, but Blaine is very insistent on holiday celebrations and everything winter brings. Fireplaces, Christmas carols, cold hands cupping a mug of hot chocolate—all of it makes him happy, despite studying for his finals taking it out of him.

They distract themselves by setting up a tree in the apartment. Or, well, Blaine mostly sets up the tree, while Sebastian offers mild critique from where he sits on the couch. Although Blaine’s been working to try and stop comparing this relationship to his past one, as he hooks an ornament on one of the lower branches of the artificial tree, he can’t help but drift to decorations in the old loft in Bushwick. The shouting that came from Blaine trying to make the space feel as much as his house as it did Kurt and Rachel’s. Every turn Blaine took, he felt even less welcome in the space that his friends had offered him.

Now, Blaine practically has a drawer to himself in Sebastian’s bedroom. There are a few hangers in the closet that hold Sebastian’s ties and some of Blaine’s simpler bowties. Sebastian goes food shopping with Blaine in mind. Sebastian’s trusting him completely with the set of decorations that are his; there aren’t a ton of personal ornaments, Blaine notices, although the set that Sebastian has appears to be well-loved. The space hasn’t been offered to Blaine, and yet Sebastian has no qualms with sharing it with him. Blaine takes a step back from the tree, pursing his lips as he inspects it.

“It looks good?” he asks, turning to look at Sebastian, who doesn’t even try to hide that he’s watching Blaine with an amused smile.

“Looks perfect,” Sebastian says, in that low, syrupy drawl that always makes a pleasant warmth spread through Blaine’s chest.

Blaine laughs. “Seriously. I’m not doing it wrong?”

“How could you possibly be doing it wrong?”

“I don’t know. Obviously you have an expectation of what your tree looks like with these decorations on it.”

Sebastian raises an eyebrow. “My tree?”

“ _That’s_ the part of the sentence you’re focusing on?” Blaine teases, but he knows his nerves are showing through, because Sebastian’s eyes flick between both of Blaine’s own before he turns to the tree.

“I mean, you helped out with the whole thing. Safe to call it ours, don’t you think?”

“Oh,” Blaine says under his breath, casting a glance back over at the tree. “I didn’t want to assume—”

“Actually, now that you mention it,” Sebastian says, sliding off the couch, “it does feel like it’s missing something.”

Blaine watches as Sebastian disappears into the bedroom before turning back to the tree and fussing with the lights. Maybe he should’ve let Sebastian take the lead on doing the tree, then, clearly the other man would be better at decorating his own tree than Blaine would. He’s had it for a few years, right? So clearly there’s a way it should look. Blaine’s intruding, he should just take it down and let Sebastian handle it himself—

Sebastian clears his throat and Blaine spins on his heel quicker than he should to look at him. He’s holding a small-ish box out towards Blaine, and Blaine relaxes when he takes it from his hands.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“No, but I saw it and thought of you.”

Inside the box is a plush otter ornament, holding a little heart in its hands on it’s belly. Blaine laughs softly and picks it up by the ribbon, watching it dangle for a moment before meeting Sebastian’s eye.

Sebastian nods his head towards the tree. “Go hang it up.”

Blaine leans up on his toes to plant a chaste kiss to Sebastian’s lips before turning around to survey the tree for an open spot. He places it just a bit over his head and at an angle he knows that he can see from the couch (because what’s the point of putting an ornament on if you _can’t_ look at it) and steps back, satisfied. 

Sebastian loops his arms around Blaine’s shoulders from behind, dropping a kiss to the top of his head. “When the snow clears up, I think we should move the rest of your stuff in.”

Blaine grins. “I’d really like that.”

“So you don’t have to take the subway for a booty call?”

Blaine gasps and pulls himself from Sebastian’s arms, swatting at him as Sebastian laughs and tries to escape his wrath. Their very impassioned fight lands the both of them on Sebastian’s— _their_ —couch, and when Sebastian presses Blaine back with a palm on the center of his chest, he doesn’t even think about when Kurt did the very same to him, because it feels like a lifetime ago.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr is shrack! say hi, and happy holidays everyone :D


End file.
